Monday, July 30, 2007

shut up

last entry was too preachy
sorry, won't do that again

these days, because of my own anxieties and fears, i try NOT to bring PC up in daily conversation
yet -- i suppose b/c i am a recent post-grad and all -- it tends to come up in conversation with all the random strangers i meet (it is universally accepted that i will talk anybody's ear off...)
(which leads to a sidenote question: why is it that adults seem to only have two questions they want to ask -- "where did you go to school" and "so what are you doing now"? can't they think of anything more interesting?? i'll be impressed the next time i meet an adult who asks me something like who's my favorite author or what do i think about GMO's...or maybe, shows me a drawing of a boa constrictor eating an elephant)

most times i am embarrassed about bringing it up because it gives people some kind of idea that i aspire to be a modern day hero sacrificing her life for the benefit of others...(which is not true!)
but truth be told, i am terrified
and much of me has no idea how i will confront or handle the situation
i think i have gotten over the euphoric giddiness of being accepted into the program and the feelings have quickly morphed into feelings of self-doubt, dread, and reluctance
i am only 22 years old
what do i know about the world?
last night i was looking at some pictures of a current volunteer's living quarters (in rural senegal) and my heart fell a little when i realized that this is the real deal and "substandard living conditions" is not just a euphemism to keep my expectations low

i remember the days when momma and i would laze around, daydreaming in her skyblue room thinking up all the amazing adventures i would go in the future and of who and what we would be in 10 years
now it is happening and it amazes me that part of me wants to refuse it and accept a life of status quo where things comes pretty easy (and there is running water and electricity at all times...)
but somehow i made my daydreams come true and now i have to stand up to the challenge

yesterday, as she and i were driving down river road, meandering through the post-thunderstorm haze as the chocolate water of the canal churned next to us, i was struck with hopes that the road would never stop, the gas would never run out, and that mommy and i could keep on driving and talking forever and ever and ever
later, i held my dad's hand as he and his friends prayed for me and my impending departure and as we stood there and i felt my father's firm grip around my hand, i wondered when was the last time i had held my father's hand like this and i felt myself shrinking back into the little girl who wanted nothing but to hold onto her daddy's hand -- so much to the point that he would have to shake me off with a loving but gruff "nie zhen ma fan!"*

*"you are so annoying!"

No comments: