reasons i can't go home

sometimes i can hardly wait for my post peace corps life although i have no idea what will become of me or where i will go or even how i will be able to afford to sustain myself in america considering that i am going 2 years without pay and i only have like, $1000 in my savings account at home.

the idea of a life after this is both terrifying and exhilarating, though i often have to remind myself that the novelty of being back in american luxury will probably wear off after a few months and i'll once again be bored and/or unhappy here with my circumstances.

that's much part of why i can't go home now. can't pack my bags and peace out of the bush because as often as i feel unhappy here, that's not to say that i wouldn't be unhappy back at home. its the whole, life-doesn't-come-edited things and there's a whole lot of worthless nothing in between life's major and pivotal scenes. nothing happening is nothing happening, regardless of whether one is in new york city or the senegalese bush or paris or princeton or ulan bator.

i also can't go home because i didn't get this far just to go home. i didn't go through all the shit and illness and frustration and tears and anger and learning just to pick up when i'm not even halfway through to go home. what would have been the point? would i just give up and go back to a mindless 9-5 and dicking around the suburbs (because God knows i wouldn't be able to move back to the city).

another reason: talla owes me 30 mille.

lastly, i can't go home because next year i want to do everything i didn't do this year and not do everything i did this year. i want to fix my mistakes and learn from all of this year's mishaps and shit storms. did i mention that the main problem with the pepineer was the WATER?? i didn't do anything wrong!! the water is salt and there's sediment that's' deposited from the barrels. that, and over-watering. none of what in fact was suspected by talla and co.