i have failed to upkeep my relationship with God when i so often claim christianity as my main reason for being here. perhaps that is why i am struggling so much -- because i have been untrue and so much of my being here is because i want to be here and not because God wants me to be here. i have forgotten how to trust and rely on God, how to love the unlovable, and to faithfully work for change because God calls for it. i have even forgotten that my work in agroforestry is stewardship of God's creation and instead have been trying to measure things by my own definitions of personal success and failure. these days, i am simply pursuing mediocre goals of personal achievement instead of the grandiose objective of caring for God's creation -- the world, its environment, its people, its societies, and its cultures. of course, my pursuit of success is futile -- i am defining my success on such an earthly and trivial level that i am blinded to my work in the greater scheme -- not my greater scheme, or peace corps', or development's, but God's. what is it that GOD wants for Senegal, for my village, for my peace corps community, for me?
i wouldn't call myself a "religious" person but i do want to be a person who is deeply convicted by God's calling for social justice. i have forgotten God and have reduced this experience to being about me. it's time for my own personal transformation before anything else can change. my spirit must be renewed.