Thursday, October 18, 2007

fed up

i've reached by end point. i am tired of everything. i am tired and easily agitated. everything is fine, great, almost perfect, yet i feel pissy all the time. i am impatient and irritable and find myself rolling my eyes at myself and others (mostly myself). i hate looking at myself in the mirror or in pictures because i feel sweaty, oily, blotchy, and full of empty carbohydrates. after all the hard work i put into getting back into shape, one month of a diet that consists of 95% bread and rice, i have a belly again and i get angry every time i see it. then again, it doesn't take much to rile me up and i feel stuck. same people every day, same struggle (language and weight!), same conversations, even the same freakin' bike route from my house to the center. i wouldn't even think of going home as an option but i simultaneously -- for the first time -- am doubting why i'm here and my reasons, motivations, and purpose. all the trainers tell me my competencies in language, technical, and culture is more than satisfactory (top marks, actually) but i feel inadequate, impatient, and upset. i barely understand why i am so upset and do not enjoy this feeling at all. there is no reason for me to feel the way that i am feeling, but i do. i feel isolated, unable to communicate my feelings, restricted from unwinding, and confused about this weird emotional state that i am.

at the same time, i know this is a stage and that i am in the middle of the week of the middle of pre-service training in the middle of a high-stress situation and that this will pass and good times will come rolling around again.

in the meantime, i am going to say that i am permitted to be cranky and will gripe if i want to.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Are you on Mefloquine by any chance? In either case, as you know, everyone in PC goes through tough periods, but it will get better soon... but if you are on mefloquine, you might consider switching to another med, e.g. doxy or Malarone.