i've reached by end point. i am tired of everything. i am tired and easily agitated. everything is fine, great, almost perfect, yet i feel pissy all the time. i am impatient and irritable and find myself rolling my eyes at myself and others (mostly myself). i hate looking at myself in the mirror or in pictures because i feel sweaty, oily, blotchy, and full of empty carbohydrates. after all the hard work i put into getting back into shape, one month of a diet that consists of 95% bread and rice, i have a belly again and i get angry every time i see it. then again, it doesn't take much to rile me up and i feel stuck. same people every day, same struggle (language and weight!), same conversations, even the same freakin' bike route from my house to the center. i wouldn't even think of going home as an option but i simultaneously -- for the first time -- am doubting why i'm here and my reasons, motivations, and purpose. all the trainers tell me my competencies in language, technical, and culture is more than satisfactory (top marks, actually) but i feel inadequate, impatient, and upset. i barely understand why i am so upset and do not enjoy this feeling at all. there is no reason for me to feel the way that i am feeling, but i do. i feel isolated, unable to communicate my feelings, restricted from unwinding, and confused about this weird emotional state that i am.
at the same time, i know this is a stage and that i am in the middle of the week of the middle of pre-service training in the middle of a high-stress situation and that this will pass and good times will come rolling around again.
in the meantime, i am going to say that i am permitted to be cranky and will gripe if i want to.