Wednesday, August 29, 2007


people have been asking me if i'm excited, anxious, nervous, or whatever and it can get difficult because sometimes i can't even explain it

i don't know what to expect and these days, i am trying to expect nothing
maybe this whole process began on an idealistic and romantic whim (many years ago) of flying off and seeing the whole big wide beautiful world while affecting others along the way

these whimsical and flowery ideas eventually transitioned (due to my education and traveling experiences) into something -- still idealistic -- but perhaps legalistic? theoretical? maybe even slightly militant as i became angry at the injustice making the beautiful world so ugly and marred and diseased

it seemed clear then that change would be created only by participants who would fight, fight, fight -- legally, violently, physically, through words/books/music/art, non-violently -- to win their battle
politics and war deflowered my naive beliefs about the world and how i existed in it

yet i wanted to know more
so i talked and read and took notes and studied and evaluated and assessed and analyzed to the very point where i became sick with the notion that here was the world, bleeding before my very eyes and crying out for help and in my trying to understand it, here i was, inspecting the miserable as if they were lab rats or some kind of case study/social experiment

in studying humanity, i forgot humanity and thereby i put down the books and decided it was time to do
i applied for the peace corps, eager to begin this process of becoming a participant in activating global change
and there was anticipation
quivering excitement
moments of clarity and inspiration
and times i felt that perhaps this was just another way of running away from myself
but ultimately, mostly, i felt passionate, valiant, and confident that this was my time and place and that there was no other purpose for me at this very moment in my life than this
for a while i was chomping on the bit to go, eager for immediate departure
but no, i had to wait
i waited many days, many weeks, many months for this

and now, it is here
just a few dimly lit steps away
and as my hand approaches the doorknob that will lead me to a whole new experience of life and myself (much like alice)...

i feel empty

i have no more expectations
it's as if i've suddenly realized that there is absolutely no way to even slightly comprehend what i am about to do, so why try?

i don't think this is a bad thing but it is rather odd, rather interesting, to feel so void of anticipation in the shadow of such a large event
but i will have to say, i might like it and hope that this will only help me do the absolute best work for this job that i am being sent to senegal to do

i never fully understood what it meant when christians were instructed to be like empty vessels but now i think i am starting to understand...

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